✿ Organ's Blog ✿
The thoughts of a swagless teen
The thoughts of a swagless teen
Hello! I created this blog as a way to write about my thoughts in a more scincere way :]
made on 20/03/2023
I fainted for the first time in like a decade, interesting stuff. I don't know for how long it was, not the few seconds before or after, but it felt like I was dying. How do people deal with this several times a year? It's so scary 'o_o.
Also, during the same appointment our doctor gave me a place to have therapy for cheap which is great! Depression has caught up to me to the point where I can barely do any school-work or anything for that matter without it feeling like a chore. My mental health has been freaking me out for a while, so let's hope it goes well!
made on 19/03/2023
It was my birthday nearly a month ago.
Whenever I remember that im now, in fact--16--I feel strange.
Looking back at everything I hardly progressed or hit any or my goals, im overtly parinoid about promoting my artwork or interacting with people outside of school. I'm no longer sure if i'll be able to reach them, as bleak as it sounds.
My reasons for believing this are:
These are very simple but they make sense to me personally, alas I'm not going to expain it all, but for you dear stranger...it's on the house.
If you're a very quiet person like me online and offline you'll find that expressing yourself with fashion is the easiest way to draw people to you, no matter how small or big the attention might be. It doesn't have to be a full outfit either! A simple haircut or keychain is all you need sometimes. A plain style isn't really a problem as long as you're social enough but on the other hand if you're...not that, it's way harder to make friends.
I'd also like to make it obvious, this isn't a way to say humans are inherently shallow. We all judge people by their fashion choices, how they carry themselves, etc, etc. It's how poople avoid overtly cruel people or those who seem...annoying (for example, tiktok users cannot handle those who are even slightly weird)
Fashion is way to draw and ward off people around you and I think that's beautiful. I just sadly have the unfortunate gift of being 16 with depression and no job.
Regarding my last sentence, I think social media has somehow bypassed this problem while tripping over at least 80 hurdles. There's a cost to being able to express yourself through social media--the urge to commodify your heart. I should know, I was an artist on Amino.
The first problem: likes
It's praise, sure but it's the worst form of it by far. I find that many creatives I follow feel dependent on it, even those who don't have art as a job. It effects all artists I know, if you're young, posting art online might be the only way to show your work with others. At first it started off innocently with me but I found that most of my engagement came from likes and began focusing on it to an unhealthy degree, causing me to leave Amino, Twitter and posting once a month on Instagram (this was years apart btw). None of my post have reached over 200 likes I feel like my art is subpar because of it from time to time.
The second problem: design limitations
Literally the whole reason why I went ahead and made a website. It's genuiely so sad to me that so many social media sites have disregarded orginallity for a more uniform design. I can express myself very well on here just through my website's look alone. Does it reflect who I am or what I like irl? No, but I enjoy pink and that's all you need to know.
The thing is my personality is like if a rock got possessed by a very strange but borning girl. Rockesque some would say and the fact that i can only pick a pfp to represent that? Evil.
Am I neurodivergent? I dunno...but something's making hard for me to hold a conversation and I for one would like to go for it's head. I am just a girl, living in this big, big world. Why must I go through the pain of making friends? hmm??
Regardless, im a huge shut-in, I do the kubrix stare when I want to talk to people, I act as if im a spirit observing people, I say nonsense when I speak or end up saying nothing at all. I never really understood what it ment to be a girl when I turned 13, I was never desired romantically and the only time I was? It was far long gone, I feel empty when I think about it. My grasp onto girlhood is loosening and I feel more akin to a sexless limp than a girl.
I know that my problems could be fixed easily in adulthood but the stories of friendless 20 somethings are really making scared since I've somehow failed to make a friend on my own for like 4 years.
I'm tired I'll probs edit this later, most of these are ramblings anyway.
made on 13/02/2023
Hi! I haven't done much recently, but im here to say that i now have 2 new blogs that I'll (hopefully) start posting on more now. I also redesigned my selfship blog so it now has a proper tag system which is fun :]
I've started my course in the city, it's not really fun if im honest, but again i haven't been to the city in a long time so I was just like overwhelemed the entire time :[
I'm also sad to say that my 1 year tik-tok free streak is now broken. I have a screentime of at least 5 hours on that app now, I've been working a lot on iku0hearts so I could avoid using it too much. It's kind of working.
made on 05/01/2023
I watched love and pop last month. I enjoyed the amount of unquie shots were used throughout it, one scene that sticks out to me is this one:
It's really suffocating. The way she stumbles over her words while in this super thin shot--it's like choking on your words while crying visualised.
Alright, on to some other stuff I like.
The main character Hiromi is very aimless, she feels as if she's lagging behind her friends who have achivements of their own whether it be big and small. I think it's the main reason as for why she engages with enjo-kōsai, or compensated dating on her own mid way through the movie. She wants to take responsibility on her own without the help of her friends--if she gets the ring she could begin to find the direction in life she's hoping for. But she doesn't really get anything after all is done. Left traumatized by her last date she huddles herself in the corner of a love hotel bathroom, after a few moments the light turns into a deep red as water flows into the bathtub. It's very striking imagery and one of the best scenes in my opinion. It communicates her emotions effectively.
I loved Hiromi if you couldn't tell. Her monolouges are great! One that I think about a lot is how sexual desire can sometimes be a thinly veiled want for intimacy. I find myself relating to it a lot. More than anything I just want to be hugged by my friends, it can be a struggle telling the difference though. Regardless what's more intimate than trusting someone with your body? Whether letting your loved ones hold you or having sex with a partner, both can be equally fufilling in different ways.
I hope my ramblings were coherent lol
made on 05/01/2023
Hello everyone! New year, same me.
I hope that this year I can become a more social person. I want to read and write more as well, I find that I have a kind of weak (artistic???) view, which is probably due to me being a complete shut-in, so I want to fix that.
I hope 2023 treats everyone kindly bc 2022 was a strange and stressful year.
Also, Im getting my laptop's keyboard replaced soon btw! So don't expect any major updates for now :]
made on 29/12/2022
I stayed inside for the entire school holidays so far, I did go to the shops yesterday but that's around it.
I didn't read/watch much either so let's get through it now....
I read Bongchun Bride, did not enjoy getting hit with sex scenes all of the time but it's a sweet lil story.
Started watching Until we meet again, I'm not one for soulmate stories but the main couple is very cute. My favorite character is Team, I've also heard that there's a series that stars him and his love interest--Win called Between us. I'm super excited to start it soon since they're my fav characters at the moment :]
Finshed Kinnporsche--big day for pathetic men enjoyers (me). That series is a beautiful mess.
Completed Gideon the Ninth I took my 9 months but I'm done! Sadly I'll have to re-read it before I get the second book, I couldn't keep up with the pace since I read too fast through certain chapters.
Sorry for making this brief but my mind is soft like potatoes in soup....In the next blog post I wanna try talking about one of my long on-going interests--Shovel Knight. I think it's about time I say something about it, so hopefully that can make up for it. Anyway, goodbye ˙˚ଘo(∗ ❛ั ᵕ ❛ั )੭່˙
made on 4/12/2022
It's December my least favorite month and my phone is broken! Yay!
I'm honestly not mad, I tend to do most of my stuff on my laptop so I was just "meh" about it--which is a really good thing!
I'm glad that I realized social media is actually pretty boring this year.
The only thing im upset about is that all of my short stories were on there... It was very little but I still liked them. Maybe this will be how I'll actually start posting my work on here wew.
I don't have much else to say, I just wanted to do a little update!
Goodbye (｡𓎆 𓎺 𓎆)
made on 17/11/2022
I've become very depressed this past week, which has impacted how I feel about my art.
I didn't really like it for months already but now I just don't want to draw anymore, especially if the mild shit I was making would put me in a extremely uncomfortable situation. But, I decided that I should at least try to complete one story that's important to me before I take a break. That story being Crimson.
Something, Something, Something I said I would put it on hold a week ago, anyway!
It's only existed for nearly a year but the characters and world building are very important to me. So, I thought I should, at least, try to make a first chapter for it or a demo. I have holidays coming up, so if I don't start now I can start then!
I don't know where I'm going with this--I just thought I should make another update to feel better. Which didn't really work but I should feel slightly more monovaited to start working on the demo chapter.
btw, im sorry if theres typos on this or other posts I forget to check '^_^
made on 13/11/2022
Hello, I've been feeling off. Both physically and mentally.
I feel like my mental health is going downhill and I have exams coming up soon, I only have a week left to prepare and I'm already behind.
Also, I really don't want to fail English especially since the only reason im a little below passing are 2 missing assignments :[
These past two months have been ass （ꐦ𝅒_𝅒）
But! This has not stopped me from procrastinating, so here's the stuff I've seen this past month. (I should start doing monthly wrap-ups from now on, huh):
I watched The Handmaiden (2016). Loved, loved, loved this movie I was being hit with a plot-twist every 20 minutes, it was amazing.
Currently watching The Eclipse (2022), im only on episode 4 so far but im kind of obsessed.
K-POP! It's become a huge interest of mine, I love Stray Kids and IVE! I really love all of the music im listening to right now and having something I can bond over with my friends is great! It's made me much happier.
Started reading Circe two weeks ago, im around page 120, so hopefully I can finish it soon. As for the book itself I love the writing style and Circe herself--she's very admirable.
I got myself a new word search-book recently! I only finished two so far but they're pretty fun to do :]
Made a new Stardew Valley save. I'm not sure what to do in winter other than plan out my farm and upgrade my barn. My first year went pretty well though--im nearly done with the community center :D Also, i am so in love with Elliott...my weird ass novelist husband.
That's all I'll say for now before I start rambling for too long! Anyway, thank you for reading. Goodbye! ⛦◜▿◝
made on 13/10/2022
Oh my god! She's back!
Hello everyone sorry for going so long without updating! Stuff has been getting harder for me recently. Like issues with eating, getting moody all of the time and other things I'd rather not talk about lol. But I'm starting to feel better so hopefully I can start making more changes here soon :]
I haven't done much that I can remember since the last blog post but here's some that I do remember:
I put Crimson on hold so I can start working on Orchid Side again. I want Crimson to be as good as possible so I want to revist it when I'm better at writing or in a better headspace.
I've watched Hana and Alice (2002), I don't have much to say about it honestly but I enjoyed it!
Watched some season 1 Amphibia episodes, I love it but when is Sasha going to appear...my evil 13 yr old rep...
Listened to Beatopia, this album changed my life for real...listend to it on repeat at least 7 times...fav songs are The Perfect Pair and Beatopia Cultsong.
Nagata Kabi has done it again! My Solo Exchange Diary was v good :] I've always enjoyed her art-style and how she uses light pink, it makes everything feel so much ligher, despite the heavy topics she discusses.
Watched I'm not ok with this, so fucked up that it's just left on a cliff-hanger forever.
That's all for now and I hope everyone is doing well! Goodbye! ヾ(＾-＾)ノ
made on 18/09/2022
Hello everyone! I found out that there's a 24/hour event going on at the offical Deltarune website. There's a lot of easter eggs, the one that excicted me the most was Noelle's personal blog--Holidaygirl1225, I read through all of them, and the one that stood out the most was her blog post about Kris.
I was mostly fixated on the mp3 file of Kris playing the piano, it fills me with an emotion I can't describe.
In my opinion I believe it was played out of fustration and grief--and not them being incomptiment with the piano(some comments got on my nerves).
Also the music reminds me of Noelle a lot, it's like being lost in a snowstorm.
made on 15/08/2022
Recently, I was thinking about my ocs and the one that started to latch onto my mind was my character, The Serpent. To get some of my thoughts out of my head, I decided that I'll write a little bit about her on here :]
Serpent is someone who only lives for one purpose, which is to protect and look after an isolated sea, since this is her only reason for existing she has no "true" name. As she grows she begins to want one more thing--an connection with another person, but she has little hope about finding one in her lifetime.
One day she finds a human walking across the shallow waters. Nothing happens between them as the Serpent stares at her behind a rock, the human gives a glance before returning to somewhere else.
The Serpent quickly became infatuated with her afterwards.
The human ends up approaching her a later on and asks for a favor. Serpent accepts and in-turn asks for one as well.
That's all I have for now but I have some small facts about her and the human!
The human in this story is Mars, she's one of the main villians of Crimson, and the Serpent enjoys writing letters, she occasionally gets some from an anonymous messenger.
My writing skills aren't really good, but I'm having fun learning,
Goodbye! ( ´・ω・)ﾉ
made on 4/08/2022
Hello! not much happened but I finished a few things this past week :]
First of all, I finished reading Sakuran and downloaded the movie to rewatch it again later.
I loved the manga, especially Kiyoha, she's not likeable by any means but the manga goes out of it's way to humanize her and shows how she got to such a point. While I found it a bit hard to read through myself due to the pacing, I still found the story compelling, even if a bit flawed.
I also finished both seasons of Beastars!
While I enjoyed it I found myself reading most scenes in a racial lense, this kind of soured some dynamics for me.
That being said I love Haru and Legoshi so so much! I'd love to make an analysis on them one day :D
And...I listened to Fiona Apple's album, "When the Pawn" my fav songs are On the Bound and Fast as you can!
That's all for today goodbye! ( *・∀・)ノ゛
made on 28/07/2022
I might get rid of this later esp since I've been having a horrible time these past weeks but anyway.
Not much happened today, I just showed up for the first two sessions and left school afterwards but during my design class I was thinking abt my sea animal list. I made it during 8th grade on one of my sketchbooks and iirc there was 60 sea animals written down! My friends drew some jellyfish next to it too, I loved staring at it a lot.
I bring this up because I've been thinking abt adding a webpage dedicated to jellyfish! I'd b more likely to work on it more if it was on here. The only thing stopping me atm is that I'm sick as hell but let's hope I get better soon :]
I think thats all! ik it's v rusty but I wanted to write smth here for a while u_u
made on 15/10/2022
I love vanilla ice-cream, warm tea, and sweets,
I love that my cardigans always keep me warm and that my big boots let me walk through the rain.
I love that I can clam myself down with drawing,
I love that I can calm myself down with writing,
I love taking long walks around the park
and I love looking at birds drift through the sky
I'm happy to be alive if I can experience these little joys of life
A appreciation post for the only things that keep me going lol